


Normandy SR-2 Groupchat

by thegreatandpowerfultoaster



Series: Normandy Groupchats [1]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: A lot of flirting between shepard and everyone else, And wow it has plot now oops, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Flirting, It got sort of angsty, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Texting, Timeline What Timeline, kind of a crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-08 02:49:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16420949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatandpowerfultoaster/pseuds/thegreatandpowerfultoaster
Summary: In which Shepard starts a groupchat. It runs about as smoothly as you'd expect.That is to say, not at all.





	1. Group Chat

**JShepard has added 15 people to the groupchat.**

 

**JShepard has renamed the chat to 'Normandy SR-2'**

 

 **JShepard:** Alright, countoff. 

 

 **JMoreau:** Change my name, Shepard. 

Change it

 

 **JShepard:** this is a professional group chat made for the purpose of talking about missions, coordinating schedules and talking about the Newest Blasto Movie

So no, I will not be doing that, Mr moreau

 

 **JHarper:**  Is the 'professional' part why I was included, Commander Shepard?

 

 **JShepard:** wait who are you?????

 

 **JHarper:**  ...

Nevermind, continue about your business.

 

 **MLawson:**  I can't believe you have time to watch ANY Blasto movies with your schedule.

 

 **JShepard:** That is something you just make time to do, Miranda no matter what else is at stake

 

 **MLawson:**  why do I love you?

 

 **JShepard:** what??????

 

 **MLawson:**  Pardon me, autocorrect.

 

 **KChambers:** the Commander isn't supprised, she knows that literally everyone on this ship has the hots for her

 

 **JShepard:**  Aware but was not aware Miranda Lawson was on that list

Stop the presses

Hey but she hasn't propositioned me yet we're off to a good start.

 

 **GVakarian:**  Okay, but counterpoint you asked for that

 

 **JShepard:** Maybe I meant ACTUAL reach and flexibility plus it just sounds like dirty sense and sensibility

 

 **MLawson:**  Oh my god

 

 **JHarper:** I'm funding this conversation out of pocket dear lord 

 

 **JShepard:** I STILL dunno who you are

Oh off topic but Kelly did you feed my fish while we were on illium? Because if they died again I'm going to have ur head on my wall

just kidding you are one of my honorary children since Cerberus didn't think :) it :) was :) important :) that :) I :) could :) have :) biological :) ones :) 

 

 **KChambers:**  I have siblings now? Wow much lucky very family 

And yeah they're fine

 

 **JShepard:** yea your siblings are grunt and tali and kolyat 

 

 **TKrios:**  ah, so one of your children isn't even an orphan, ones my son, ones a full grown krogan and the other is a quarian you accidentally ended up keeping because of a treason trial?

No offense of course, Tali.

 

 **JShepard:** yep, those are my children

Don't they get grow up so fast, thane?

And Samara

right Samara???????

 

 **Samara:** Yes Shepard. They certainly do.

 

 **JShepard:** u see? 

Okay I got to go meeting my date in like an hour

Oh scratch that dateS 

I am a lucky woman

 

 **GVakarian:** wow how 'd you even get one person to go on a date with you, much less multiple?

 

 **JShepard:**  idk garrus I think you'd date me if I asked

 

 **MLawson:** Anyone on this ship would, we just don't tell you that because we don't need to inflate your ego any more.

 

 **JShepard:** jokes on u my 'ego'  is just doing what I have to and that "i have crippling depression" vine all held together with 2 rolls of tape

No rly I have to go, goodbye 


	2. Reach and Flexibility

**GVakarian:**  okay, shepard tell us about the date

 

**JMoreau:**  Yeah, tell us about your datemates

 

**MLawson:**  I don't know why you guys want to hear, I certainly don't.

 

**JShepard:** well i never 

It was good but i can't date either of them because I'm technically their commanding officer and that's just weird

But I have come away with 2 valuable pieces of knowledge

 

**GVakarian:**  Oh?

What did you learn

 

**JShepard:** 1: those extranet dating sites are absolutely fake

and 2: all of our engineers are shit at cards except my daughter tali

 

**JMoreau:**  oh man you got set up with gabby and ken? I can't decide whether to laugh or ask if you need therapy

 

**JShepard:** it wasnt that bad just too bad i couldn't date them

Any suggestions on who i should date next in the crew? Two down however many to go 

Lol it was a joke guys don't just ignore me

Miranda u realize I can see you checking ur omnitool n flushing 

 

**MLawson:**  The Illusive Man is messaging me. Don't think too highly of yourself, Shepard.

 

**JHarper:** Get your affections under control, this is a mission.

Also I was not messaging you, Ms. Lawson and lying doesn't suit you.

 

**JShepard:**  o man burn

Ohhhhh that's who you are that makes senseI

actually it sort of doesnt but whatever I guess

 

**MLawson:** Shut up, Shepard. 

 

**Jack:**  another episode of Will They Or Won't They: Sexual Tension

 

**MLawson:**  You shut up too.

 

**JShepard:** yeah, jack if you wanna see actual sexual tension you should see joker and edis back and forth lately geez 

 

**KChambers:** I'm glad it wasn't just me who caught on to that 

ew you guys

 

**JMoreau:** THERE'S NOTHING THERE

EVEN IF THERE WAS WE'RE ADULTS 

 

**JShepard:**  I was gonna make a remark about AI, really?

but then I realized that my real problem is that edi deserves better than any of us, that sweet thing 

 

**JMoreau:**  okay I was not expecting that outlook but you're kind of right

But also she's a sadist honestly which I am not into.

 

**Jack:** just from this conversation I have decided it is not something I want to see I'll stick to harassing you and Miss Cerberus over your inability to face your feelings

 

**GVakarian:** Hey Jack, I love you and I know you've been through a lot (Please don't murder me) But that is literally the most hypocritical thing I have ever heard in my thankfully short lifespan

 

**KChambers:**  Garrus gets so Extra when he's under pressure

Like I read that dossier and Archangel needs a comic series or something he's just that extra

 

**GVakarian:**  I'm here and ready to collaborate on this, Kelly

 

**Jack:**  ha funny let's see how good the vigilante does after I slit his throat in his sleep

 

**JShepard:** someone get Jack a therapist please 

get us all therapists please

Kelly when ur done storyboarding i need u to contact that illusive guy and see if he knows any good psychiatrists

 

**JHarper:** I don't but I also didn't think about that when I was collecting dossiers for your team. What a mentally unstable bunch.

 

**JShepard:** yep that ones on u mr illusive sir

Hey eta on the citadel?!

 

**JMoreau:** uhh Idk waiting for c-sec to give us a docking pass

 

**JShepard:**  great cmon Miranda and garrus you're coming grocery shopping with me

Yknow, because if i need something on a high shelf garrus has reach

and if I drop something Miranda has flexibility

 

**GVakarian:** I'm never going to live that down, am I?


	3. Shepherd Stories

**JShepard:** Good morning everyone ready for a full day of kicking some ass??

 

 **TKrios:** I could not possibly be less ready, but I'll suit up.

 

 **JShepard:**  Alright Krios I'm giving u a day off, go eat a dry package of soup and call our son

uhh lets see who hasn't been out in a while

ehh lets go jack and mordin ive got to go get some crap for liara and then pretend it isn't hella awkward every time I walk in there

 

 **Jack:** gotcha

 

 **GVakarian:** So uh... Anything interesting to bring up while Shepard isn't around

 

 **MLawson:** She can come back and read it, genius.

 

 **GVakarian:**  not if we turn chat history off, Miranda

 

 **MLawson:**  I'll admit that I didn't think about that, so sure. Any good Shepard stories?

 

 **TKrios:** Something tells me that you already know all of them, Ms. Lawson. 

 

 **Samara:** I might have a few, but I don't think that in allowed to tell them.

 

 **MLawson:** I'm mostly talking about recent ones, because yes I've heard those. 

Samara, are you allowed to keep secrets from those you're loyal to? 

 

 **Samara:**  uhh

shoot

Wait 

Yes, of course my Code says nothing of that. 

 

 **GVakarian:** but it says nothing about being as awkward as hell, obviously. Or sketchy.

 

 **Samara:** Think about it for a moment, Mr. Vakarian, would you like to continue?

 

 **GVakarian:** with that tone of text, I'm going to guess the right answer is no  

So no I would not like to continue

 

 **MLawson:** Well? I'm still waiting?

 

 **Samara:** So we were on Omega, when she was helping me with my daughter,

 

 **TKrios:** The Ardat-Yakshi?

 

 **Samara:** They are all Ardat-Yakshi's but yes.

Morinth.

Anyways, she was luring her out and she got in a fight with a turian 

But I'm a good 90% sure that she'd already drank too much to be just a tiny bit tipsy, she was just full on drunk

 

 **GVakarian:** and we all know how Shepard is drunk.

 

 **TKrios:**  That we do. Ha.

 

 **Samara:**  By the time she finds Morinth, she's just blubbering rather than talking

I probably should not have trusted her with such a task while she was so uninhibited.

she fell right on to my daughter's breasts. Worse than that, she continued to talk afterwords...

 

 **JShepard:** hey im back and i can't believe you started that conversation when I have so much blackmail material on u

Like hundreds of years worth SAMARA 

 

 **Samara:**  I didn't even get to the part when you started talking about how much you love Varren puppies.

 

 **JShepard:** Raise ur hand if uve been personally victimized by Miranda Lawson

 

 **MLawson:**  I swear to god, I never

 

 **JTaylor:**  Yes

 

 **GVakarian:** uh huh

 

 **TKrios:** As the humans would say, "Darn Skippy" I have.

 

 **Jack:**  duh 

 

 **MSolus:** Not saying yes, but not saying no, either.

 

 **GVakarian:** Well that was appropriately resolute and yet vague.

So what'd you do Miranda??

 

 **JShepard:**  she went up 2 floors just to start an argument with me 

 

 **Jack:**  she's literally just trying to get you got and bothered

am I literally the only one who sees them doing this shit to each other for attention ?

 

 **TKrios:**  At least half the crew simply just doesn't want to acknowledge it.

The rest of us...well we grab snacks and watch the chaos.

 

 **Samara:** An entertaining pastime for sure.

 

 **JShepard:** don't act like u weren't interested too

although maybe you can't help it??

 

 **Samara:**  Oh yes because it is so incredibly attractive to talk about baby varren into someone's boobs 

 

 **GVakarian:**  I'm getting weird vibes from the Samara part of the ship again

 

 **JShepard:**  the moment there isn't then let me know because it means that someone has died

 

 **GVakarian:** that's ominous but I will let you know

 

 **JShepard:** good, good.

Illusive dude mr sir is calling me, probably bad

Thane and jacob ur coming with if it is

Sorry to take up the rest of ur day off lizard friend but u know how it be on this bitch of a spaceship


	4. Priority

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has taken over my life?? Also I took too long and Kelly died in my ME2 game I just finished? I considered going back but figured I'll just save her next go around.

**GVakarian:**  O Illium, how we despise thee. 

 

 **JShepard:**  No kidding but also I have to pick up some stuff

for everything cerberus gives us i sure have to go grocery shopping a lot

 

 **JHarper:** We provided you with what was necessary. Anything else that was asked for by your crew was specifically pulled off the "Necessary" list.

 That said you're still buying it with Cerberus money, and really we just hadn't thought out this mission as well as we thought we had.

 

 **JShepard:** no use planning when im gonna be involved

 

 **JHarper:** So we've noticed.

 

 **KChambers:**  so uh....I forgot to feed your fish today. Sorry.

 

 **JShepard:** UR TEXTING US FROM THE COLLECTOR BASE KELLY Y R YOU WORRYING ABOUT THAT??????!! 

 

 **KChambers:**  Well it's kind of either that or wonder what that paste is that people keep turning in to 

So I'm kind of just focusing on the non trivial things while I still can 

 

 **MSolus:** Hmm paste could be nutrient source for Collectors? Unlikely since doesn't explain scale of abductions. Maybe building something with it? Reusing DNA? Will look in to it.

 

 **KChambers:**  I really don't want to think about that. 

 

 **JShepard:** K but watching Mordin type concerns me because how can you have that many fingers and type that fast ??

 

 **KChambers:** Excuse me, Commander but I was wondering when you were going to come get us? I think Rupert just turned into something that looked even less appetizing than what he made for dinner last night.

 

 **JShepard:**  uhh ill get back to you with that as soon as I make sure no ones dying when we go through the relay. Maybe it was a premonition but I can see it happening.

u understand, dont u kelly? 

 

 **KChambers:** Sure, sure take your time, I'll just...I don't know do equations in my head of something while I wait and try not to have a full on panic attack

I hope everyone is holding up as good as I am ha...

 

 **MSolus:** Recommend taking up knitting to pass the time.

 

 **KChambers:**  I'll look into that...

 

 **JShepard:** Anyone need me to do anything while we'out and about in Illium?? 

 

 **KChambers:** :(

No

 

 **MSolus:**  Wouldn't mind if you happened to pick up some granola bars. Good for gaining nutrients without having to stop working. Particularly fond of the Lemon ones.

 

 **JShepard:**  noted 

Anyone else?

 

 **KChambers:** Commander...

 

 **Tali'Zorah:** these new couplings you bought on Omega aren't great. 

Also say hi to Liara for me! 

 

 **JShepard:** got it


	5. Science™ (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is taking over my life :(

**JShepard:**  Hey guess what kelly!!!

 

 **KChambers:**  What?

 

 **JShepard:**  My fish are still alive!!

 

 **KChambers:** Yay!!

 

 **MLawson:** We're just going to ignore what happened yesterday? Like it was nothing and suddenly everyone's back here and things are fine and dandy?

 

 **JShepard:**  well no one ever got us a therapist so we've all just elected to ignore that it happened and move on with our lives

Again, moving on

So anyone know what today is??

 

 **JMoreau:**  Tuesday???????

 

 **Tali:**  There are no week days in space, there is only the standardized Star Date System, taken from the Asari way of calculating time, actually.

I made all of that up, was it convincing?

 

 **JMoreau:** Very,,, 

You should write a sci-fi novel, Tali

 

 **Tali:**  No offense but I think we're a little bit passed what humans see as 'science-fiction'

 

 **JShepard:** no kidding I have literally been resurrected with the power of Science™ 

and a hot Science™ lady named Miranda who is also the product of Science™

that sounds like an awesome plot for sci-fi but like....as a sequel to Murdering Saren, the Novel 

 

 **JMoreau:** please stop capitalizing for Emphasis and saying science 

It's driving me insane

 

 **JShepard:** but cmon joker everyone I love in my life lives because of science. Except thane but an exception can be made due to irony. 

 

 **TKrios:** Owch.

 

 **JShepard:** get my lizard friend some ibuprofen 

Science™ has not been kind to that poor man

 

 **Tali:**  I kind of want to hear her spiel about everyone she loves and science if I'm being honest.

 

 **JShepard:** ha she said she wanted to hear it now you all have to

 

 **JMoreau:** no please

Spare this weak, weak man

 

 **JShepard:** okay so I already said me and Miranda

And then theres grunt who was Born of Science™

And garrus likes calibrations, so that def. counts

And tali gets to be with us because of her (Sciencey) suit

And Samara has terrible genetics and if she didnt we wouldn't have met

and i can't remember where else i was going with this

but yeah

 

 **JMoreau:**  EDI keeps asking why my omnitool is pinging but don't think I don't know she is endorsing Shepards long rants

See, sadist just like I said.

 

 **TKrios:** I never got to hear what day it was today, our conversation veered so far

 

 **JShepard:**  o yea

today's the virmire anniversary...

i think ill text ash, even though we've established that she does not want to hear from me

 

 **GVakarian:**  Hey, I'm sorry. I know that's got to be rough

You need to talk about it, I'm here.

 

 **JShepard:** ill be ok just need to text ash and maybe get blackout drunk or smth 

 

 **MLawson:** Not the best way to handle things, maybe.

 

 **GVakarian:** Got to agree with Miranda on this one. Maybe let's try something else?

 

 **JShepard:** like what?

 

 **GVakarian:** Meet me in the Main Battery in 5?

 

 **JShepard:** ok 

 

 


	6. Concerning Shepard (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who had a day off so decided to just finish this...
> 
> It was me. The answer is me.

**TKrios has added 4 people to the groupchat.**

 

**TKrios has renamed the chat to 'Concerning Shepard'**

 

 **TKrios:** Anyone want to explain what happened on Virmire?

 

 **Tali:**  Oh boy, are we allowed to tell?

Do I want to talk about it?

 

 **GVakarian:** Nah, Shepard trusts Thane, he deserves to know one way or another. 

You take over though, she just showed up.

 

 **MLawson:** Virmire was during the Saren Crisis, before Shepard died.

 

 **Tali:** we thought that we were going into something like what we'd seen before. That wasn't the case. We ended up losing a...good friend of everyone's.

 

 **JMoreau:** She loved him, we all knew that. And then she thought it was her fault and Ashley didn't help. It got bad, for a while. She was doing bad.

 

 **MLawson:**  And you know Shepard. She doesn't exactly handle serious well. She either jokes or isolates herself.

I hate seeing her frown. 

 

 **TKrios:** I understand that, Miranda. Probably better than you think.

Can we do anything for her?

 

 **MLawson:**  I wanted to...

I wanted to take her out for dinner, maybe. But I wasn't certain that it'd be appropriate. Maybe if we were to invite some of the other crew members?

I don't know. I don't like being distracted from the mission

 

 **TKrios:** But Shepard is very distracting? I know. 

Let's do it, then. As a suprise?

 

 **MLawson:** Yes. I'll get around to talking to everyone. 

 

 **GVakarian:**  I'm taking her shooting first, mind keeping it a secret until then? 

 

 **MLawson:** Not at all. You finally going to tell her that you're serious about her?

 

 **GVakarian:**  I dunno. I'm bad at these things. But I'd sure like to.

 

 **JMoreau:** trust me, she has just as much of a hard time with it as you do. Just go for it, man.

 

 **MLawson:** and we expect you to keep us updated, of course, so hop to it.

 

 **GVakarian:** quick question does anyone here know how to kiss a human? I want to know for next time because, well...

I don't have any lips which presents a bit of a unique challenge.

 

 **JMoreau:** yeah, but you have that long-ass tongue that totally makes up for it. 

 

 **MLawson:**  I hate to endorse anything he says but yes, that would be my recommendation as well.

But you did it, you told her?

 

 **GVakarian:** yep and it was singlehandedly the hardest thing I've ever done. And the most awkward, honestly.

You got dinner reservations or something? 

 

 **MLawson:** Yep, hour and a half.

 

**TKrios has deleted the groupchat.**


	7. Aftermath

**GVakarian:** Have a good time last night? 

 

 **Tali:** I learned too much about you all through party games. I did not need to know these things, and quite frankly I wish you could take them all back. 

 

 **MLawson:** Ha! I retired early, and so I still retain anything blackmail worthy about myself.

 

 **JShepard:** I don't know who's idea that was, but i ducking love every single one of you a whole lot ok??

*Ducking

u all knew what i meant

Anyways let's get out there and take ass and kick names

 

 **MLawson:** Having trouble this morning?

 

 **JShepard:** look i outdrunk a krogan and dr chakwas soooo yeah still a little out of it atm

O btw before we head out two things

one being I just wanted to say thanks again for everything you all do

and two being that I kind of hate drew karpyshyn

 

 **GVakarian:** Point a to point b was a bit of a stretch, but we'll accept it.

So uh...what's the plan now that the Collectors are more or less taken care of?

 

 **JShepard:** i dunno. My free dlc code expired like 6 years ago so I guess we'll just fly back towards the citadel and see what happens from there. I will be left out of a lot of things you'll all start to reference when things go to shit, but I'll nod and pretend to know.

 

 **GVakarian:**  unfortunate. Mind dropping me off on Palaven? 

 

 **JShepard:** i mean sure, we've got time not like we 're on a tight schedule anymore 

im gonna start taking requests for music to play really loud and watch the aliens reactions to for the next 14 hours of travel Got any ideas????

 

 **KChambers:** MMM WHATCHA SAY 

 

 **MLawson:** Please leave me on Omega before I have to hear you blast any song that has we featured in a 21st century vine.

 

 **JShepard:**  but id miss u :( and ur really nice eyeballs and ur keeping me in my place

But ok omega cool we can go there

 

 **GVakarian:** I'm gonna pretend I still have a chance and that I didn't just witness the worst double entendre that I've ever even thought about.

 

 **JShepard:**  O don't worry garrus ilu too but I think reach and flexibility was probably worse

 

 **TKrios:** I'll be getting off at Omega too, if that's alright. I'm hoping to pick up a contract or two and then retire for good.

 

 **JShepard:** hey no offense to anyone else but like,,, all my favorite people are leaving me and it's not okay

What am I gonna do without my lis?

 

 **TKrios:**  lis?

 

 **KChambers:** oh no, please don't get her started, we'll be hearing about it for hours.

 

 **JShepard:** Thane, you, sir vakarian and Miranda are my love interests. Except even though I've tried to b really nice to miranda I still have not won over her heart.

:(

But fine, have fun on trash hole omega miranda 

And thane good luck

The rest of us are gonna go have space adventures in space 


	8. Grounded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I can go back to writing things that aren't this now??

**JShepard:**  so umm im officially incarcerated and not allowed to talk to you guys anymore 

So umm talk to you guys when my dad or my really hot other dad let me be ungrounded bye

 

 **Tali:** Wait, no Shepard!! You can't just go without telling us who your other, hot dad is! This isn't fair! 

 

 **GVakarian:**  Just like that the Alliance turns their back on you? After what we just did, after Sovereign?

 

 **Tali:**  Because Anderson is your dad but who is hot dad???

Please tell me I need to know!

 

 **Jack:** grounded like a little kid. Wow. Systems alliance, huh. Well, when you get out of prison, let me know.

 

 **Samara:**  I wish you luck, Shepard. I've decided to travel far, so we might not hear from each other for a while, but I'll vidcall you or something the moment you get out.

 

 **JMoreau:** This isn't fair! Miranda, get your ass in there and tell them she's Cerberus property or something, don't just let them have her, and my ship!

We're literally grounded, I cannot fucking fly my ship off of earth.

You Cerberus asshats better do something about this!

 

 **MLawson:**  Would if I could. I walked out, and they aren't letting me or Krios see her. We can't do anything, so we left.

 

 **Tali:** Miranda! You saw the hot alliance man, right?

 

 **JMoreau:**  this isn't right! We can't just let them do this because their sceptical! Look where their sceptics got us before now!

 

 **TKrios:** We have done our best. Had we pushed any further there would have been a firefight, which we cannot handle at this point. I've left for the Citadel. I hope you are all better than trying to start something. She knows how to handle herself.

 

 **GVakarian:**  if I wasn't so far off I'd show them some diplomacy, all right. 

 

 **MSolus:**  Commander wouldn't want you to, think about it. Nothing any of us can do now, have to move on. Have to do so the things she would want us to do in her absence.

 

 **MLawson:**  Mordin's right. It probably won't be a permanent thing, so let's get out there and get on with things.

I abhor having to say it, but I admired serving with you all. Sad it has to come to an end after all of that, but I'm certain we'll all cross paths again.

 

**5 people have left the chat**

 

 **KChambers:**  but without Shepard...?

what if we dont meet up again? I don't think I could stand that.

 

**3 people have left the chat.**

 

 **Tali:**  hmmph. 

 

**1 person has left the chat.**

 

 **GVakarian:** I guess they're right. But any one of you who needs me to have your six, just say the word. Especially me. I'd fly as far as I needed to if you called me, Shepard.

 

 **TKrios:** We all appreciate the offer, dear friend.

And it was so nice to have a home for a time, thank you all for making it one.

 

**3 people have left the chat.**

 

 **KChambers:** oh gosh, Shepard if you can still read this, I'm so, so sorry we couldn't stop any of this...

 

**2 people have left the chat.**

 

 **JHarper:**  I hope that you can understand, Shepard that when you get out things will not be the same. You were right in choosing to save the Collector base, it's just unfortunate that you've ended up with the Alliance.

I suppose in the end you'll receive the fruits of our labors, but it won't be nearly as soon as you deserve.


End file.
